TL;DR
I must say, this post would have been drastically different had I written it two weeks ago. I wish I had documented how I felt at that time so I could use some of the angst now to let you in on my life as it stands. If you had told me in June that I’d be in this exact position (sitting in my bed contemplating going back for the rest of the KD with no plans on a Friday night in “the best place in the world”) I’d have probably never come to Vancouver at all.
Jill and I got in a car (Not just any car. Ruby. She’s a special car.) and drove. And laughed. And saw stuff. And drove. And then we got here and the reality of the situation was painfully clear; I found myself in a city where things are expensive (so expensive!) with no job and three friends. Not to say I was set up to fail, but I certainly had to overcome a lot of homesickness. Believe me when I say: I have cried so much in the last two months I actually got to the point where I was tired of feeling that way but had no idea how to fix it. I hardly ever turned down offers to do things and meet people, which quickly drained my bank account of any savings I had (Ikea had a hand in that, too, to be fair). I met some really nice, accepting, cool people, but the times when I wasn’t with them I was stressed about money and wishing I was back home. Even still, summer flew by. I think it happened somewhere in between job hunts, hikes, beach days and walks up and down Main Street. I honestly can’t remember a season feeling so short. And then Jill left.
During the summer I tried to be as independent as possible and to not rely on mine and Jill’s established friendship for comfort, but It’s still a shock to the system when you embark on a journey with someone (even if it’s just a friend!) and then they decide to turn back. I felt … scared. Her leaving meant that I would have to move. I would have to find a new roommate and I’d have to do this. All. By. Myself. That’s not how I roll. Why did I separate myself from everyone I loved? What was my goal here? How am I going to achieve it? CAN I REALLY MAKE THIS HAPPEN? A lot of big questions were floating around in my head and I felt paralyzed by every single one of them.
And my job. I started working in a retail position with a company who seemed to run a tight, above-minimum-wage-paying ship. The ship was tight, alright. They don’t like my tattoos (“oh, by the way, you know those have to be covered, right?”), they don’t like how I dress (“you can’t wear pants, but that dress you’re wearing is much too short”). I don’t smile enough. I shouldn’t hold my arms like that. That was it. I went full speed into an emotional breakdown stress wall. It was time to figure out what the hell I was doing here.
Timing dictated that I had my apartment until the end of September. If I stayed in Vancouver, I’d have to find a place to live and a new roommate. I’d have to have money to somehow transport all of my things to my new place, yadda yadda. Also: MOVING. AGAIN. UGH. But I could probably make this happen if I wanted to! Right?! Fast forward to having found a friend to find a place with deciding it’s not the right time for her financially to move from her friend’s couch (so expensive here!). At this point I had had a two hour conversation with my mom about my reasons for moving here and why I was scared to call it quits on “Operation: Katie Goes To Vancouver for an Adventure”.
Bottom line? I didn’t want it to be deemed a failure. I didn’t want to go home and reply to the inevitable question, “How was it?” with an “Eh.. I was homesick, jobless and broke most of the time…” My mom (because she’s … well, my mom) reminded me that anyone who didn’t think I was awesome for even trying this was a big ‘ol jerk. When she followed that up by saying, “your family supports you no matter what you do”, I knew I was going home.
Family, you guys. That’s what’s important. I mean, my career is important to me and so is exploring the country and the continent and the world, but without family (and friends) I just don’t feel right. I really don’t care if that makes me sound lame or weak. Being here has made me stronger and I have learned a lot about what makes me happy. I am 23 years old. My career will be fine. I’ll get to travel and maybe I’ll even move again if the right opportunity comes along. For now though, Halifax is where I want to be, so that’s where I’m going.
Song: Tokyo Police Club - Gone
